I’ve recently started Crossfit. Its been a long time but I am remembering the taste of competition, the potential to be Bonnie the Crossfitter. Their branding is “I Am Crossfit”. Now I know that it is just a marketing slogan, and they aren’t suggesting that Crossfit sums up their identity. (To be honest most of Crossfitters I have met are very well-rounded and interesting in a they-probably-drink-Dos- Equis kind of way.) But it reminded me of my struggle with my identity.
Who am I?
I know who I used to be. I used to be Bonnie the Class President. Bonnie the Weightlifter. Bonnie the Singer. Bonnie the Bodybuilder. I used to be a lot of things that brought me recognition and that I identified with. I loved being on stage singing and being on the platform in a weightlifting competition. Like everyone, I enjoy an accolade. I liked the attention and it gave me a lot of confidence when I was young. And each of those roles that I played were good, but the problem was…they ended.
School ended and the real world began. I was no longer an athlete. I lost my singing voice (another blog, another day). I graduated from Georgia Tech and still didn’t know what I wanted to be when I grew up. Who the H-E-double hockey sticks am I?!?! I guess you could say it was a quarter-life crisis.
When I married Mr. Right I thought, “This is it. I will now feel complete and happy being Bonnie the Wife. Well…after a couple rough years and some counseling I finally understood that he wasn’t going to make me happy. Don’t get me wrong-my husband is my most favorite way that God chooses to loves me, but I needed to be complete and happy with myself. Jerry McGuire had it all wrong. Nobody can complete me. No talent or career or hobby or relationship can complete me. I am complete. Marriage works a lot better like that by the way-just ask Mr. Right. Now he’s just my cherry on top.
I thought I had this finally figured out until we had difficulty conceiving our first child. I had convinced myself after months and months of trying to get pregnant that I was not going to be happy (complete) until I was a mom. I was so angry with God that he was making me go through this…Doesn’t He know how much I want to be Bonnie the Mom?! It was through that difficulty that I heard him whisper to me, I AM ENOUGH. But God what if I NEVER have kids? I AM ENOUGH. But what if someone I love decides they don’t love me any more? I LOVE YOU. But what if I’m never on stage again and no one is clapping for me? I SEE YOU. What if my body doesn’t allow me to compete in sports again? I VALUE YOU. I AM ENOUGH.
Its easy to get your identity wrapped up in something that is transformative. A Talent. A Hobby. A Relationship. A Career. All good things. The problem is that they are temporal, and when you attach your self worth to something temporal you become disappointed with life.
I have learned that to truly enjoy the extras in life (a smokin’ hot husband, three adorable children etc.), you have to be “full cup”. Or, you have to have your cup filled by the One who knows exactly what fits inside. Then everything else is overflow. Blessings.
I would love to kick some booty in Crossfit, but everyone’s booty will have to wait while I nurse a shoulder injury. Just another reminder that these things of life are fleeting. And if it turns out that I’m no good at Crossfit- well that’s ok too because…
I know who I am.
I am…LOVED. By a Perfect Heavenly Father who has promised me a life with no pain to never leave me. HE IS ENOUGH.
But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. -Matthew 6:33
Life, Love and Letters 